Friday, January 4, 2019

dirt



You're not born thinking you're stupid. You're not born thinking you're lower than dirt. 

It's sad but, you become what you tell yourself. You become what the world throws at you. If the world throws dirt in your face, then you might fall victim to leaving your spark behind and replacing it with dirt. 

It starts small. 

When my teacher told me that I'm not as smart as my friends, I felt like dirt. Yes, the dirt that I had absolutely no idea how to spell. 

You see, it starts small like that. 

But as you grow, your problems grow with you.  

When he walked out on me he left me like I was the dirt on his shoes. 

He told me that he loved me. He called me his baby. But, I knew. I knew deep down inside that although I had his heart and soul, I could never really have all of him. I lied to myself because he lied to me. I told myself I was worthless because he told me that I was nothing but dirt. And just like that, I believed I was nothing more than mere dirt. 

When my best friend told everyone lies about me behind my back, she valued me less than dirt. 

She told me that I was "skinny fat" and that I was "ugly." She told me that she was smarter and more popular than me. She told me that I was psycho and that she was perfect. She told me that I was stupid and that she was special. She told me that I was fat and that she was fit. She told the world what she wanted them to see. She needed the world to see that I was less than her. She needed the world to see that I was dirt. So, that's what she did. She told anyone who would listen that I was psycho, stupid and fat.   

She took me for granted. I forgave her for so many years. I gave her my friendship because I saw the good in her. But, I can't help but think that she only saw the dirt in me. 

When the murderer left my dad to die like my dad was dirt, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. And in that moment, in that life changing moment, I actually wished I was dirt. I thought that if I was dirt then, I would not have to hurt. If I was dirt, I would not have to feel. If I was dirt, I would not have to lose the most loving and wonderful person in my life. And in that moment, I actually wished I was dirt. I thought that being dirt would be better than being me.       

But, that's the thing about dirt. Without dirt, a flower can never bloom. The more dirt life throws your way, the more you can blossom and grow. But, the thing that gets everyone is that when there's just dirt, no one sees the point of life's shit. In a twisted kind of way, all that dirt is really just life's way of helping you grow into the beautiful and strong flower you were always meant to be.


Just keep blooming. I know I will. And I know you will. 

xoxo


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